


Can you please put your porn collection where I don't have to stumble upon it?

by Drake



Series: it may not be a millenium yet, but who's counting? [5]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: M/M, What Happened in Malta (The Old Guard), is it really porn if its a renaissance painting?, mentions of nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:33:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25375480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drake/pseuds/Drake
Summary: Nile looks through the priceless art the immortal quad have amassed over the years. She stumbles on Joe's Renaissance Period
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: it may not be a millenium yet, but who's counting? [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1829071
Comments: 58
Kudos: 837





	Can you please put your porn collection where I don't have to stumble upon it?

**Author's Note:**

> y'all can blame Ghrelt for this one.
> 
> Refers to a bit from the last fic in this series, but you don't have to read that to understand this
> 
> comments feed me, as always
> 
> want to fawn over the old guard with us? We have a [discord!](https://discord.gg/kDJpjxx)

They go to Malta, after everything is said and done. They have a safehouse there, and though Andy won’t tell Nile why they specifically picked Malta, Nicky has given Joe enough salacious glances for her to fill in the details. She resolves not to ask. Thinks it’s better for her sanity, that way. Andy seems to agree, the way she smiles at her for it.

Andy says it’s going to be different now, for them. With Copley covering their tracks everywhere they go, erasing any trace of them, they can afford to buy nicer, more permanent safehouses now. Can get themselves actual _homes_ , instead of relying on houses that were abandoned 50 or 60 years ago and forgotten beyond that. 

They’re in the process of doing that, of signing off to buy a home - Nile doesn’t know where they got the money, but she’s sure it’s easy enough for them to just liquidate some of their priceless belongings, if they happen to not be attached to them. 

In the meantime, however, they’re staying in one such abandoned cottage on the coast, so close to the water that Nile swears she can hear the waves crashing against the walls. She wonders how any of them can sleep, when all she dreams of is the dark ocean and hears the waves slamming onto the shore. 

She ends up awake later, earlier. Sleeping less. She wonders how much of that is an immortality thing and how much is just a her thing. Joe and Nicky seem to have no trouble staying in bed late into the morning. Nile’s fairly certain that’s not an immortal thing, just a disgustingly-in-love thing. But she’s still figuring those out.

So it’s one evening while they’re there, and in escrow on a place up on the cliffside - that still somehow overlooks this cottage down below - that Nile finds herself in a back room, dusty and untouched. She loves looking through their collections of priceless art pieces from centuries past. Her Art History major comes in handy, and Andy seems to be entertained with the facts she can recall on demand about each artist that these three knew personally. 

Nile expects to find something like that here. Normal, for them. Extraordinary lost pieces, for her. 

What she _doesn’t_ expect is- “Oh my _god_! Nicky!”

“What?” he calls, from the kitchen.

“Why is there a painting of you _naked_?!”

If there was anyone she expected that of, it might have been Andy. But not Nicky.

Joe appears behind her suddenly, peering over his shoulder. And then he’s grinning. “Oh, I forgot about these! Nicky, come look!”

Nicky says something in Italian, and Nile half-wonders if she actually _doesn’t_ want to learn the language, spare herself all the adorable things they say to each other in Nicky’s mother tongue. 

He comes over a few minutes later, and Nile’s still staring at the painting. Half in shock, half in plain old...disbelief.

“Ohhh, that one,” he says, slinging an arm over Joe’s shoulder. “We should sell these, get them carbon-dated and in a museum,” he says, grinning.

“What! No, I love these,” Joe protests, and wow does he pull out the puppy dog eyes when he pouts.

“You forgot they existed until a minute ago,” Nicky points out, and he sounds like he’s trying not to laugh.

“Yes, and now that I have remembered them, I also remember that I love them.” Joe answers.

“That _has_ to be exaggerated,” Nile interrupts, pointedly staring at painting-Nicky’s crotch.

“I assure you, I am a very realistic painter,” Joe says smugly. 

Nile glances over her shoulder, and then does a double take, because Nicky is turning a very _interesting_ shade of red, and she can’t help but laugh. 

“Should see if the other one’s behind it,” Nicky says. Might as well go all in.

“The other one?” Nile asks, setting a gentle hand on the frame of the first, pulling it forward and-

The next is another of Nicky, naked, but he has _breasts_. 

Joe laughs. “I remember that- you bet Michaelangelo I could paint a woman better than he did, and he stipulated it had to be with a male model just like he does.” 

“Yeah, except you left me my dick, and I lost that bet.” Nicky teases, smirking.

"I am quite attached to it," Joe says, in his defense. Nicky seems to accept that as a viable excuse.

They both seem to take particular glee in the way Nile stares at them, dumbfounded. “You- you took bets with Michaelangelo. _The_ Michaelangelo.”

“Course. The man’s clearly never seen a breast in his life. Have you seen his sculptures?” Nicky laughs.

Nile shakes her head. Like she’s shaking off water, or perhaps just the burned-in image of Nicky’s not-so-private-anymore areas. 

“I need a drink,” she says, and walks back out of the room, leaving the two of them to look at the painting alone.

“Those were good years,” Joe says softly, smiling small.

“They were,” Nicky agrees. “You should paint again.”

“Perhaps I should.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hehe can you imagine one of these ending up in a fancy museum? the four of them going to go see it?


End file.
